I have come to realize that there is an unhealthy part of me that constantly craves attention, but not the attention of a handful of people, just one or two... or one in particular. And I know I'm not being fair to myself, but I can't help it. It's as if this need for attention is my way of moving onwards, when in reality it's become a hurdle that has only slowed me down and pushed me backwards.
Now, I can blame myself for these troubles and I guess I do, but I could also blame social media and the power it has given me to fulfill my every craving. So that is what I am going to do right now, blame the internet because it has ruined my life (kind of not really). It has given me the power to insta-stalk & facebook stalk and utilize all those other stalking mechanisms which often times lead to my mild poignancy. It has also portrayed me as an attention seeker WHICH I AM NOT because I could honestly care less about 99.99999997% of the population's opinion. However, I do constantly ask myself:
Why do I care what other people are doing at this very moment?
People don't actually care about what I'm having for breakfast, so why I do I feel the need to share?
Do I use social media to make other people jealous of the dull life I live in the city?
Why are people so caught up with how many likes a photo gets or how many followers one has on twitter, tumblr, instagram, etc?
Why is there an obsession with documenting every single moment of one's life?
My mind is one big messy blob whenever I'm having a tiny dispute over why I am so obsessed with social media. I used to be able to live without constantly checking Facebook. I mean, the only reason why I go on it anymore is to look for any updates on Buzzfeed or to read those articles/listicles that my "friends" share. OR whenever I am bored out of my mind and feel the need to be a decent human being and share new music that has given me multiple eargasms. It's crazy how in a span of a few minutes I always find myself back on Facebook staring at what should basically be a blank screen. I absolutely abhor it. Maybe I should throw my macbook against a wall.... that should do the trick.
Then there's twitter, which I have gladly stopped using. I used to be an avid tweeter, but I realized that I never had any use for it, except when I used to take the train to Fullerton and went on rants about how disgusting the male specimen can be. But, most of the time my tweets were dull with the occasional worthy one liners. Surely no one cares that I am currently "crying cause no food in fridge" or "tears because Nick Jonas is ultimate bae."
And of course, the gram... also known as the Devil's spawn. The most frustrating, complicated, addictive application to have ever occupied memory in my cellular device. It is the #1 attention whore medium that I can not let go of, no matter how hard I try. I like to tell myself that I just enjoy looking at other people's photos and most times live vicariously through their feeds, BUT we all know that Instagram is WONDERFUL for investigative purposes. I know far too many people, including myself, who have learned a great deal about other people through this phenomenon. It's basically a love hate relationship. Why do I feel the need to show everyone that I am having a grand time? What exactly do they get out of it? Oh I know! Nothing. So why do I continue to upload photos? Well goodness... I don't know... out of boredom? OH WAIT, I want people to see that I am OKAY. That I am doing just fine and that most importantly...I am OKAY. Then there are selfies and even though I am very guilty of this, I don't understand them. Why do I post selfies? Is it for self assurance? Is it because it feels nice to receive compliments rather than always giving them? Maybe sometimes you're just feeling confident and posting selfies allows you to express that confidence. I don't know, but whatever floats your boat right? THEN there are THOSE selfies, if you know what I mean... Those that yell LOOK AT ME. I SAID LOOK AT ME! DAMMIT LOOOOOOOOOK AT MEEEEEEEE!! But that's none of my business. Anyway....
One major factor to this social media epidemic is technology. More specifically the bloody iPhone. CELLPHONES HAVE RUINED INTIMACY AND I CAN DEFINITELY ATTEST TO THAT. Holy shit I can. You bet I can. There is no doubt in my mind that I can. I am living proof and I am ashamed because there have been moments where I done fucked it up. But then again, I kind of used it as a means of escape from ultimate nervousness (but that's another story). There are several moments when I get so upset with myself because I am always looking at my phone. Looking at what you ask? I don't have a fucking clue. Sometimes I just want to throw my phone against the wall so that I don't have to deal with the feelings of needing to update myself with this human being's life. Most times I'm happy when my phone isn't functioning. Is this a sign that I'm changing?! IS THERE HOPE AFTERALL? Maybe I should go back to Blackberry! Do they even make Blackberries anymore?! Aw, I miss my Blackberry... stupid iPhone. So basically, social media, technology, and the internet has been rather bothersome lately, but I think that's just because of the mood I've been in for the past several months. This too shall pass... hopefully HA!
Well, this was a rant from me... a contradiction because I'm most likely going to post this on Facebook and Instagram looking for your attention. How pathetic, but I hope that no one is feeling as trapped as I have been. I am only trying to move forward! As you all know, I'm in the pursuit of magic!
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