Life Lately

Hello World! Guess who's back! Guess who's making a THIRD attempt at giving this blog life! MEEEEEEEEE!

(Taken at 3 AM right before bed. Who even takes photo booth photos anymore?)

So my last post was in May of last year and since then I have done several things and have felt a plethora of emotions that have made me into the person that I am at this very moment. Oh it's been one helluva (almost a) year. I have never wanted to sucker punch someone so bad yet hold that person so tightly at the same time. (Definitely no hard feelings though because there's no reason to be upset really.) It's been difficult to get back into my old routine. I frequently wonder what my life was like when I wasn't so... obnoxiously shattered or emotionally occupied. Unfortunately, this minuscule problem has become an obstacle that I have yet to overcome, but no worries! For I have accepted the fact that it will take time. I just wish I wasn't so mopey about it, not that I'm suuuuuper mopey, I'm just a little... well bummed, to say the least.

Here is a list I gathered from this short, but relatively sweet experience:

• I am not as brave as I thought nor am I as strong as I'd hope. 
• I realized I'm an emotional hermit. I'm not very good at expressing my emotions, no matter how strongly I feel.
• Which taught me that I fear rejection. I fear that I will only be disappointed. High expectations maybe?
• I'm scared of truth. I'm scared of commitment.
• I talk big, but in the end I am terrified of everything that I wish for myself in the future. 
• I need to give as much as I receive. That it's a two way street and that people actually want to hear from you. They want to feel as if you care, they want you to put an effort. They want to feel wanted.
• I am so easily content, but that's not always enough. People will expect more. People want more.
• Conversation is important. (Definitely lacked in that department.)
• I learned that I need to stop thinking and start feeling. I think that's what fucked me over. My mind was so consumed with consequences that I wasn't able to love freely. 
• Most importantly, I learned that my heart is functioning properly. That it is capable of feeling those butterflies you get in the pit of your stomach that causes a loss in appetite because the physical presence of that person you care soo much about is absolutely euphoric you start to doubt everything because your mind is wondering what it is you did in life to deserve someone so beautiful. 
• For crying out loud I think I experienced that "magic" that messes with everyone's head and heart so frequently it leads to temporary insanity.
• Also learned to never give up too quickly, especially when... you know... you shouldn't. 
• Oh! and a good cry does a girl wonders. As if a heavy ass weight has been lifted off of your shoulders, making squats a little more easier to endure. 

So basically, I am a "hopeless romantic, but suck," according to Christine.

I know that I stated the obvious, but keep in mind... I have NEVER in my 22 years felt so at a loss for words all because of a person. This was the first time I genuinely found happiness in someone else. I think the only reason why I was opposed to it all (in the beginning) was because of the unconventional way we met. I was never really sure about the intentions and I never expected anything to come out of it. But here I am, the loser of the game that every person seeks to play. It was no doubt short lived, but what can you do? You live and you learn. I'm not going to lie though, if I was given a second chance I would definitely take it. (EDIT: Not anymore! EDIT EDIT: Oh God I don't know...)

So now, all I have is time. Time to reflect and find myself. Time to enjoy what is left of my youth before I emerge in a series of old people problems. Time to travel, to explore, to learn about different cultures and their people. Time to enjoy my friends' company. Time to take on a new hobby. Time to CONTINUE THIS BLOG.

Time really is an incredible thing. Half a year could do a lot to a girl like me, but it can also do nothing at all. We also don't know how much time we have to accomplish all of our life goals, so I guess I shouldn't be wasting it by sulking in a cliched misery that is only lived by the broken hearted. I should probably also stop wasting my time on tumblr which has triggered several of these "feels." It seems that there will always be an abundance of people who are going through what feels like the worst of all worsts.

Luckily, I have taken on a healthy route and have discovered a few outlets as I continue to pursue happiness and "magic" (whatever it may be). There is an excitement I can not contain for I believe that this year will treat me just as well as last year did, maybe even better HOPEFULLY. Adventure is out there and I'm going to grab it by the hair and make it my bitch. JUST KIDDING, that was rude. But anyway, I mustn't ramble any longer or else this could go on for days and I know you don't want that. So I bid thee farewell until my next post.

EDIT: I figured it out & I don't know if I'm upset or I'm just glad to know the actual reason why.
But it's so funny how timing works. Soon after I posted this it seems like the deciders of all decisions decided that I should know the truth. Bloody fucking hell, thank you.

Here is a tune for you all.
I'm good, I'm good I'm good I'm good. 

I love you.